Marie & Nous

C’est maintenant chose faite, je me joint à l’agence Parisienne Marie & Nous!

Things i’d like to write about: a list

. i’d love to compile a list of all the things i’d like to buy: an iphone, an ibook, a new moop bag, books, and a 15 days holiday at the sea with C.
. i’d love to do a list of 100 things i love about Paris
. i’d love to let you know about the hard time and struggles related with my back and knee recovery, and all the emotions and lessons i am going through
. i’d love to share about how much i care about discovering who i really am, and where i got lost
. how much i wish my anxiety would be exchanged by humor, laughter and play!

Happy friday!

Plaisir

Learning the walk

“Our culture invariably supposes that action and accomplishment is better than rest, that doing something–anything–is better than doing nothing. Because of our desire to succeed, to meet these ever-growing expectations, we do not rest. Because we do not rest, we lose our way. We miss the compass points that would show us where to go, we bypass the nourishment that would give us succor. We miss the quiet that would give us wisdom. We miss the joy and love born of effortless delight. Poisoned by this hypnotic belief that good things come only through unceasing determination and tireless effort, we can never truly rest. And for want of rest, our lives are in danger.”

From Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives, via.

Today i took 3 walks, 2 short strolls, and just now, a wonderful 30 minutes walk. This might sound ordinary, but walking is nothing ordinary when you had to stop doing it, and hardly re-learned this simple gesture.

I hurted my knee during our last holiday, and today, almost 4 weeks later, i was able to walk freely and safely again. Walking feels magical — such a basic and grounding movement — allowing us so much freedom.

After watching (and learning to keep faith in) the process involved in healing my knee, i feel more confident in my body’s ability to heal himself — maybe this step was needed on my way to heal my back pain.

These last 4 weeks, confined home and unable to walk, were spent reading the memoirs of Gertrude Stein and Simone de Beauvoir. I could not think of a better place to be reading these books: in our flat, on the 6th floor of the rue Froidevaux, with a beautiful sky view over the Montparnasse cemetery and one of Simone de Beauvoir’s appartement.

In my despair and frustration, i felt grateful to have found these books at this moment of my life, for the universe to allow me another way to freely travel trough this city, it’s history and it’s great spirits.

It is a pure synchronicity that we found ourselves here, we had no idea about this area of Paris, and it’s history, before moving in. Back in march when we arrived, walking boulevard Raspail was nothing exotic, but then, after reading these 2 memoirs, my walk on Raspail today took a completely new twist: my view of this boulevard, the people who have lived here (SDB, Picasso, ..), the historical events that have taken place, it’s bars and coffees that hosted and inspired so many — all this scenery is totally taking me, and talking to me.

Tasty

That is how i feel about our time in Paris.

March was cold and gray, we just arrived, exhausted after weeks of preparation, and i felt deeply tired, cold and homesick. April and May were time for us to go trough the loss of our little lilo. June started, we left for a much needed time off in nature, which was beautiful, and yet another drama, i felt on the rocks and my knee will need 2 to 3 weeks to recover.

From my window it feels like Paris is a city i ought to visit, some day.

Paris in June

Play and fun

Some days are easier, more light filled than others. Some days, i just crash and let tears poor over me. It is hard to let C. see me like this, vulnerable and in distress. In the past, if i did not feel good, i just retreated in my flat (we had 2 apartments), so i could take the hours or days needed to get back on my feet, by myself. Here, in this furnished 55 sq. meters, there is not so much place to hide my tears and discouragement — my bed, my bath tub, my balcony, my grounding walks on guilford street under its trees — all my hiding/grouding places are gone and i must find new ones. My despair can be felt in the air, and there is C. to witness it. Despair added with the frustration of being seen like this, not able to hide and be seen just when i am in some sort of control.

Some days are much lighter. I discovered that the part of me which calls for rest as i know it is in fact dragging me in the dark. If i stay in bed and listen to this part of me, who wants to stay in and wait until i feel better, it is not helping. These days, i feel my spirit rest much more if i fill my days with activities, simple ones: going writing at the coffee, going shopping, visiting a new area, visiting a park, reading. So the rule of thumb is, i must get out of this apartment, as often as i can, and this is big surprise to my ego who just wants me to stay inside and rest, which in fact is a perfect recipe for thinking and ruminating too much over things that drag me down (dad sickness, my backpain, the sudden loss of my loved cat, the homesickness, the change of country, the lack of social activities, and so on). When i re-read this list, i see how compassion i should have for myself, for taking such a leap of faith and take so many risks while my feet where deep in the mud.

I discovered that i must not surrender to my ego worrying — worrying seems like a drug, an addiction i must not slip in. If i leave too much empty space in my head, if i dont keep myself busy with fun activities, if i let my mind ungarded, the space will be filled with deadening thoughts, sending me swimming in a dark pool. This empty space feels huge, and for the last years i have been assigning my unhappiness to many labels: boring work, lack of money, my relationship with C, back pain, the city we lived in, my dad sickness and so on. I went on running from one drama to the other, this because i was, and still am, deeply unfulfilled somewhere. From one drama to the other i go, pointing my finger at any event i find to be the cause of my unhappiness. This goes on and on, one drama to the other, but i must find what lies under all of this, where i am unfulfilled, what do i miss.

Play and fun are definitely missing. For the last 15 years, the only fun times i had where mostly related to my creative work. I was on fire, and felt passionate and alive in my work. Since some years, my work is no source of fun and play anymore, and no play for too long is no good for anyone. So today i look for what could bring me joy, what could light up my heart, what would bring happiness at the core of me. The voices in my head are running around like headless chicken ‘just work on your art, there is so much to do!’, but work is exactly what i have no feeling for. Pushing, trying, producing — my heart calls for fun, easy going time away from the computer — writing, reading, walking in the park, being close to nature – simple things to ground myself, recharge my batteries, get my head clear.

One thing i learned the first week of my 35th year is that there will always be many unanswered questions in my head, and i must live with that. What i cant afford is to let my ego fill out the emptiness inside me, how he likes to.

Suite

Un court message pour vous remercier de tout les commentaires sur mon dernier billet, vos courriels et messages laissés ici m’aident énormément.

Je fais des démarches pour aider mon corps à retrouver son équilibre, son harmonie. Des anti-douleur prescrit par ma doc, des scéances de kiné 2 fois la semaine, tests sanguins pour être certaine que je ne déraille pas à cause d’une carence ou d’un dérèglement de ma machinerie interne, et écographie pour me rassurer.

Pourquoi suis-je devenue si craintive de la maladie? Est-ce l’âge, ou le fait d’avoir plusieurs cancers autour de moi?

Ma belle mère adorée nous dis qu’elle est aussi passé par là autour de ses 35 ans. Il semblerait que sur une trop longue période, les questionnement et insécuritées engendrent une forme de détresse, qui engendre à son tour un vide si grand, que l’égo prend en charge de remplir ce vide par tout ce qu’il peut immaginer comme scénarios d’horreur. Si on ne se charge pas de s’occuper par ce qui nous rend heureux, les maux apparaissent.

Ma doc me dis la même chose : les maux de dos trouvent très souvent leurs origines dans la tête. Soigner l’humeur du patient et les maux s’estompent.

Comment me soigner, reprendre le dessus naturellement?

Depuis des années que je me cherche, que je cherche ma voie. Je me rend compte qu’il n’y a rien à trouver, qu’il faut peut-être que j’arrête de chercher, que je prenne ce que la semaine en cours a à m’offrir. Essayer de garder un objectif, la direction de mon voyage, mais arrêter de m’accrocher à trouver *la* réponse à ce que je vais faire de cette vie.

Mon égo aimerait tellement avoir un plan clair et précis, avec des chiffres et des résultats. Un agenda remplis, des to-do rayés, des objectifs atteints, une direction, la reconnaissance et le succès.

Et pourtant, tout ce dont je suis capable, c’est d’avancer, d’un projet à l’autre, sans trop savoir.

Flâner à travers la vie comme on le fait à travers un champ. Profiter, essayer, jouer.

3 months

3 months that we are here, and, as i had fantasized for the last 2 years, i celebrated my 35th birthday in Paris, and it was, hm, the least happiest birthday of all, can you believe that?

Me and C are learning so much here. So much about what we want our life to be like, and so much about the crazy fantasies our ego can drive us into, letting me believe that here, my life would be more fun, easier, grandiose and even, spectacular.

The reality i face today is that i feel exhausted and burned out most of the time, since i have lost all the ways i found i could relax in the past (my bath tub, balcony, a silent flat, silent walks and green spaces close). It seems i am just too fragile/sensible to continue living in a big city. This is nothing new to me, but i still decided to come over here, just to try to live in Paris once in my life, before moving to a calm country side. The fantasies about living a perfect life here turned out into a life where i can’t stand taking the metro and hearing cars all day long without feeling depleted in energy. I miss green spaces close to our flat where we can just lay quiet under the sun for a while, without being surrounded by hundreds of people and cars. Right now, I cant enjoy my time here so much, with a backpain which i carry over since a year, fighting mid depression caused by the lack of free movement, fear of pain and of illness, and the loss of my 10 last year companion lilo — all that together feels like visiting the dark side.

Leaving your home is quite something, and i do recognize our strength, curiosity, courage and confidence, but why did i needed to put myself into this situation? I now envy people who seem to “have it all”, you know what i mean? From outside, other people’s life can seem so harmonious and all in order, you start to wonder, what is wrong with me?

So much for my 35th birthday.

We thought Paris would be for us the place where we could *finally* be happy, and as we now realize, everywhere you go, you take the weather with you — if you are not happy right now, chances are, you wont be more happy moving to the other side of the ocean. I do not say our move was a mistake, we really had all best intentions in mind, and i think we needed to do this to learn many things about ourselves. Not all learning experiences are easy, so all i can do now is take one hour at a time, and try to find tiny bits of pleasure here and there.

3 semaines

Je suis silencieuse, car ici c’est le deuil. Mon amour de chat, Monsieur li, lilo, nous a quitté il y a 3 semaines. Si vous êtes amoureux des animaux, vous comprendrez peut-être ma peine. Le vide laissé par la perte de ce compagnon fidèle et aimant est immense.

Après 3 semaines, mes larmes coulent encore chaque jour. Un 15 minutes de tristesse quotidienne quand je pense à lui, à combien j’ai adoré chaque matin avec lui, à tous les moments passés avec cet ami qui passait ses journées à mes cotés depuis 10 années. Son départ fut un choc, et les 2 semaines qui ont suivi ont été très douloureuses.

Aujourd’hui je lui demande de m’aider à accepter son départ. Une partie de moi combat, ne veut pas le laisser partir. Cette lutte est souffrante. Il faut que je démarre une nouvelle histoire, une suite à ton passage mon bel ange. Quel privilège ce fut de t’avoir comme compagnon. Je m’ennuie de toi, tellement.

New work

Paris week 7

Spring finally made it to Paris! Right now, my daily stroll brings me to the jardin du Luxembourg, 10 minutes from our flat, but nowhere to go on warm sunny day like yesterday if you are a little agoraphobic — people almost fight for a chair at the sun.

Everywhere i go, people seem to be up to relax and play: so many benches to sit and read, grass gardens and fountains, public ping pong tables, and so on.

With the sun comes the warm temperature, quite inviting for little adventures. I was amazed to discover a tiny, hidden oasis, one minute from our flat.

Also, the evenings seems to last forever, and after 20h, a glass of bordeaux at a local caffé is more then welcome

We are now into planning our summer holidays, looking for a place where we will be surrounded by nature, enjoy calm and relax days, and swim everyday. But where to go?

Paris week 6

I am still discovering my arrondissement, even if there are about 1000 tourist attractions in this city, my daily activity is to watch/capture the mundane — i love it.