Transformation in nature are not due to deliberation.
In actual fact, what we call life and death in nature is not the beginning or ending of something, but merely an eternal natural process.
Xu You
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I will be having 2 things to celebrate soon: on may 30th i will be turning 29. On june 29th, i will be celebrating my 1 year return home from germany.
Dont know why, but this second date, on june 29th, is giving me a lot to think of. This is definitely a part of my life marking an end and a beginning, a moment i relate to by “before and after” (as i wrote at that time). I dont know why, but i need to write about it with these 12 months that have been passing in between this moment and now.
This day of june 2003, i woke up with an horrible feeling inside me. This was the day i had wished for so long i would never see. If there could be a day to choose as worse day of my life, it would be that day, definitely – no need to think twice. I got up, finished packing my 2 suitcases, Flo helped me, andrea called to know at what time she should be there to pick me up to the airport. And we were there, at this point where i knew as much as i didn’t wanted to, i had to leave. Leave the guy i was in love with and with whom i lived for the past 4 years and lived wonderful things. I had to leave my home, city, friends, habits, and my two cats, without knowing if i would be back one day, if i would ever see Flo again. Without knowing anything else than about this fucking flight i had to take.
The time came where me and flo had to say goodbye. He just holded me in his arms for some seconds, said goodbye. I said goodbye, kissed the cats, and left, without a fucking clue about where i would end up, ****heart-absolutelyandtotally-broken***.
I have no fucking clue how i did it. It was the worse and the hardest day of my life, and even 1 year after, i remember it like if it was yesterday. It is fucking fresh in my brain and in my heart. The pain is really not that far away even if so many days have gone by.
I arrived in montreal, broken in every sense of the word. No money, no job, no place to live, et encore moins le gout de vivre. It took me 3 months to find a job and a flat (and i got a really good job and a really nice flat by the way). But these 3 months have been terrible and horrible. I’ve been depressed like i’ve never been before and just didn’t wanted to feel the pain anymore. I have spent each minute of these 3 months with this pain in my belly, this pain i think we all feel at one point in our life. It does feel fucking horrible.
Flo and i have been barely talking together since. I have no clue if i will ever see him again, if he’s ever gonna read this. I secretly hope he wont. I’m just trying to somehow exorcise this pain i realize i still have inside. I wonder if it will ever go away. Some endings are worse than others, but this one still feel really fresh in my mind, even if i dont think about it anymore (exept today of course since i am writing about it) and even if i had other boys in my life since.
I guess i am growing up, yes, that must be what we call to grow up, to live new experiences, good and bad ones, and to learn to live with them.
Well, if this was an ending, and a really hard one, it was also a beginning. I feel i am not the same person anymore. Yes, i definitely grew up. I think i am an adult now.