a month after

Today has made 1 month. 1 month since i am here. It has seem much longer to me…

I am starting to figure out what is it to live with something that hurts inside. I can not recall that i have been hurt for such a long time. Some time its ok, and then the pain is there again. And i know that even if i am ok now, the pain will be back again. Strange thing to be alive and to live with an invisible scar, this huge wound inside of me which open and close all the time, but no one can see it.

I have been wondering the other day, while sitting in the subway, how would we look if we could see everyone’s wound?

I have mine, i live with it each day. I still cannot believe that i left the man i loved, my home, and everything else. But to think about it is so painful, and i have to think of the future, of my future… and let go of the past…

let go is such a hard thing… i once thought i knew how…

to trust day after day, with this wound in my chest.

I desesperately miss my cats, i still dont know when i will be able to have them with me. I am getting back on my feet and looking for work at the same time, trying to figure out where am i going.

I cant wait for the day when i will have my cats living with me again, you couldnt belive how i miss their companionship and unconditional love and affection. I hope soon they will be back with me.

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6 comments

  1. one baby step at a time:
    “We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course.” – Arthur Golden’s Memoirs of a Geisha

  2. hi m-c,

    haven’t checked your website for several month, so i was astonished that you are moving back to canada.

    I hope you’re doing alright, and as you say, that you’re happy that you made the transition back to your roots ;), it will be all good.

    I’m also in a kind of transition. Still stressed out ’cause of my thesis, that is due end of august. After that uni is over and I have to deal with all the stuff coming up (finding a job, moving away, packing things, throwing things away…) But anyway, interesing times are coming up. Let’s see what happens…still got no clue what to do. But…we’re not alone 🙂

    Still remembering our cool time @ c-one…take care.

    cheers,
    s e v e r i n

  3. keep on moving
    baby
    dont’t stop!
    walk on by
    Feel
    Power of Good-Bye
    Cherish

    having you on my mind
    Luv
    Jana

  4. hello jana!

    urg, your message made me really teary… doesnt take me
    a lot to feel like crying these days… i guess it will be like that for some time…

    thank you so much for thinking of me and sending good vibes on my way.. i really need it!

    things went smoothly this last week, but i am still really shocked of everything that happened in the last 2 months. Hard to cope with all that. But i am happy that i have been trough it and that the hardest parts are done. I am really proud of myself.. i never thought i could make it… so many things happened that i havent expected, so many moments where i felt (and still feel) ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY lost…

    and all this because i have a strong feeling inside me that the most wonderful things are about to happen. Have no clue what but i know that it will be beautiful.

    Give me some news, how’s life on your side of the ocean?
    greetings and i hope everything is fine for you,

    m-c

  6. Marie-Chantale, je t’en prie ne désespère pas… La première chose à faire : rapatrie tes chats. Je suis certaine que tu les auras bientôt tes ninoux. Là, je pense qu’il faut que tu t’entoures de gens positifs. C’est certain que ça va mal de tous les côtés mais ça va s’arranger. Mozusse, ça peut pas toujours aller mal hein? Ça va revenir… Pour ta recherche de job, je ne m’inquiète pas pour toi, tu as tellement de talents, je pense bien que ton portfolio le prouve. Allez hop cascade! Moi, ça fait un ti-bout que je te lis tous les jours (c’est con je viens tous les jours pour voir comment tu vas, c’est rendu une habitude) et je sens que tout va rentrer dans l’ordre. Encourage-toi, nous sommes en plein été et les jobs sont plus rares alors dis-toi que c’est un signe qu’il faut que tu te reposes…

    🙂 Allez y’a plein de monde qui est avec toi… Moi, mon amie est entrée aux soins intensifs aujourd’hui. Il n’y a plus de sang qui passe dans son bras et il y a 4 motons de sang qui se sont formés. Ça fait des embolies… Tiens, on va penser à elle aussi… 🙂

    Geneviève

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