I really hesitate to put this entry online, but it feels good just to write it down, so i will give it a try.
“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope”
Thomas Merton
As i write this, i am totally confused-sad-afraid and lost… I have been avoiding many things since a long time, because i was afraid. Fear kept me from moving, even if i was often in pain. And now, life is kind of pushing me to do what i have been trying to avoid since a long time – taking a break of my actual relationship – because it means lots of changes for me. And yes, like everyone, i am deadly afraid of change.
These will be big changes for me, and a big part of me is scared to death, while a tinny little part is exited about the idea of the new that will come into my life (but this part is so tinny compared to the part that is afraid…). But as you might know, love story can be really painful… so the part of me which could be exited with this wind of changes is dying under my fear and sadness.
This is real life, with all the joy and happy moments, and all the things we would like to avoid but just cant. It is hard to let myself being sad and under panic, when a part of me think that it is not ok… I have to fight hard to keep telling myself that it is ok to be sad and to stop trying to avoid my fear and sadness…
So right now i am thinking of what i will do next. So many questions inside my head, and i just cant see clearly… I will leave for a month or 2, but to go where, i don’t know. There could be many possibilities, but i don’t feel strong enough for any of them. Either going back to montreal for some time, living at friends places, or going on traveling around… i don’t know… any idea will be more than welcome… I hope the next days are gonna be easier.