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a big deal of trust in my backpack

that is basically the first thing i think about when i wake up each morning: which day are we, how much time left, what do i have to do today.

It is quite exhausting. As much as i dont want to see the day when i will have to leave florian and the cats (which is this coming sunday), as much i hope all this will be over soon so i can focus my energies on the future.

It is hard for me to know that a painful moment is coming, to know that i will go through what i wanted to avoid the most. Also hard to accept myself as i am now: slow, dramatic, afraid and sad, lost and insecure. I am almost always fighting to be something else, instead of just letting these feelings/emotions go through me.

I feel so vulnerable, and there is so much resistance to that change. I know that this change could bring me so much good things, much more than i can imagine right now, but a part of me is so scared and just doesnt want things to get upside down from one day to the other.

If… if i could know that i will leave, but that my actual flat, cats, and boyfriend will be here, waiting for me to come back.. but it is not my reality right now… my reality is that i will be leaving, the flat will be gone, and my boyfriend and cats will move somewhere else. There is no coming back, i think that’s the hardest part for me. My comfort zone, the place and people who made me feel safe and at home, all this will be gone.

“For the new to come you must be ready to give away the old. The universe will never take something away from you if its not to give you something better”

Again, i will have to jump, with nothing else than a big deal of trust in my backpack.

By m-c, June 25 2003 | Category: Daily thoughts | Comments Off 

a new painting

I have just added a new painting to my portfolio. What is new with that one is the size, i am still working on hard paper instead of canvas, but moved to a bigger size. As much as i felt lost at the start, i have soon enjoyed all the free space i had…

The piece is called “Hiver”, which means winter in french, and is 61 x 86 cm.

* Hiver

By m-c, June 24 2003 | Category: Projects | Comments Off 

When things are falling apart…

Here’s my latest comic… and yes, it is about what i am going through right now…

This comic is meant to help people going through periods of changes and transition by suggesting small steps that can help to make the best out of difficult times… enjoy!

* When things are falling apart…

By m-c, June 21 2003 | Category: Projects | Comments Off 

Lao Tzu

“A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.”

Lao Tzu

By m-c, June 20 2003 | Category: Quotes & manifesto | Comments Off 

where to start

ok, here i am. Haven’t wrote since really long. The truth is, its not that i have nothing to say, its more that there could be so much to write about that i feel overwhelmed just trying to figure out what to start with.

I am busy packing stuff, selecting what i bring with me, and this process is quite exausting. I wont bring all my stuff with me since i dont know how things will look in 3 months from now, and shipping everything would be a waste of money. So i have to select between all my things what i REALLY need with me.

I still would love so much to bring the cats with me… but i cant for now. I have to wait and maybe i take them with me later on. It still breaks my heart to do so. I have been through all this already before, when i left montreal to move to germany… and now, 4 years later, i have to leave again.

It is the right thing to do, i know. I am learning a lot about facing my fears, and feeling my pain as it needs to be felt. It is quite a lessons about letting things go and not trying to control, but just being flexible and flowing. Im not sure i am so good at that… but strangely, it is to resist that makes everything painful… I hope everything will be alright.

By m-c, June 20 2003 | Category: News | Comments Off 

Chandan

“Creativity has nothing to do with any particular work. Creativity has something to do with the quality of your consciousness while doing something. Whatsoever you do can become creative.”

Chandan

By m-c, June 17 2003 | Category: Quotes & manifesto | Comments Off 

i am a bad blogger…

yes, i am a bad blogger. I am not writing on a daily basis, neither weekly.

These days, as much as i would like to express all of what’s going on inside, at the same time i just feel like isolating myself and not talking to anyone.

At the same time that i wish nothing would be changing in my life, i also wish that i would be able to open myself to all this new adventure coming to me right now and see all the possibilities that are coming to me. Me, the same me who prayed for a change since so long…

So many emotions mixed all together inside me, i feel like i will or implode or explode at any moment. So many emotions that i just cant name, that i just cant write about…

I pray the universe to give me all the help that i need, all the courage, and to open all doors to me… I dont know if i am doing the right thing.. i question myself every single day… but i am doing the very best i can…

By m-c, June 11 2003 | Category: News | Comments Off 

10 pictures of berlin

I came back from berlin yesterday evening, with tired feet and an exhausted body, but with a head full of images. I have spent the last 3 days walking, way too much, but enjoying as much as i could the delight which is traveling through a city with so much history.

I found berlin to be huge and impressive, i felt almost way too small to fit into it. I tried to explain christine (thanks again for showing me around and taking care of me!!) many times what was so hard to put in words, something you feel while visiting a new place, but you just cant describe. Large streets, huge and massive buildings, the old gray ones letting us remind the scars of this city while some other ones are getting painted in pink, red, yellow, blue, beside many graffitis everywhere in the city.

Here are some quick shoots of the city, i hope you will enjoy them as much as i enjoyed my traveling:

* Kastanienallee

* some graffitis in prenzlauer berg

* city center

* one of many old buidings which are still carrying the part of history

* city center

* from my train cabin

* Alexanderplatz station

* in the surrounding of friedrichstrasse

* View image

* a really nice coffee where christine brought me, near the Hackesche Höfe

By m-c, June 7 2003 | Category: Traveling | Comments Off 

Berlin

On wednesday morning, i will be leaving for berlin for 3 days. I hope everything will go well and that it will be good and relaxing for me to do some sightseeing.

I am really tired right now, physically and mentally, because of strong ups and downs that keep going on. It is really hard for me to try to put aside that i will soon have to leave my flat, my boyfriend, my cats, the city i lived in for 3 years, and finally the country. I try not to let my fears take all the space… sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesnt… I hope to get away from all this will give me some perspective and free my mind.

If anyone of you can let me know what i should or must see while i am in berlin, any advice, tip, infos, just go for it!

By m-c, June 2 2003 | Category: News | Comments Off 

Andrew Cohen

“What’s the difference between a life of comfort and security and a life of risk and total insecurity? One is just being like everyone else. The other is a great thrill, and furthers something unknown and unlimited that’s ever-present. And that’s what living the spiritual life is.”
Andrew Cohen

By m-c, June 1 2003 | Category: Quotes & manifesto | Comments Off 

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